stroke

I thought I'd let you know I had a stroke this week and was in the hospital. The only things that seem to be affected are my expressive speech and my spelling. And those hit me where I live, to be sure! But I am recovering pretty well. Two days ago I could not I write at all. So I'll be keeping in touch.

Herbert Marshall

What a dreamboat. He looks a little like Russel Crowe.
And did you ever notice that Jean Gabin looks a lot like Kenneth Branagh? or is it just me?

Questions answered

I found the answer to my confusion:
I've been going through a study guide to Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart and yesterday a page pointed me to Romans 12. It serves as a checklist of what I'm looking for in a church. I took the list and applied it to the church I have considered leaving. Here's what I found.

4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.

We are certainly a diverse group and it's plain to see the gifts in many, as they are used to the benefit of the church body as a whole.

If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

How can I resent when someone does one thing (that may seem less strenuous to me) and not another? Especially when it seems to help the church body live?

Love

9Love must be sincere.

Seems that way to me.

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

We've done a good job of standing up for the good without being hurtful.

10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.

check

Honor one another above yourselves.

I don't see very many signs of ego, except in myself.

11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Our worship lacks "oomph" to be sure, but steadfastness has to count as fervor.

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Same as above.

13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

We do this - definitely!

14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

I don't know who those people are, so I don't know. I don't hear any complaining or finger pointing.

15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

check

16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

We could do this better, by not being awed by worldly status, but we are far better than most, I think. We have lots of people in "low position" in honorable service to the church.

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

This is done, IMO, to an extreme. Doesn't anybody ever disagree?! But maybe the lack of peace is my own.

19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. 20On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I said above, I'm unaware of any need for revenge or of enemies. I guess we're going a good job of overcoming evil with good. After studying this list, I wonder "What has been the big deal?" and I think I'm been fussing over small stuff.

In a few moments after coming to the conclusion that my church is the right place to be, I also found the solution to my "small groups" problem. I've been looking for small groups to be a substitute for 12 step groups. But 12 step groups can meet the same need, and I already have them.

Finally, the question of where would I base my ESL mission work was answered as I sat with the Hispanic congregation yesterday afternoon. So many people asked about English class, and I said "January", so I guess January it is. I asked a young man to be a teacher and I got his number. He is fresh out of high school ESL and has pretty good English. I got the feeling that the pastor was happy to see I was finding a place of service for the young man.

holy leisure

"We must come to see, therefore, how central our whole day is in preparing us for specific times of meditation. If we are constantly being swept off our feet with frantic activity, we will be unable to be attentive at the moment of inward silence. A mind that is harassed and fragmented by external affairs is hardly prepared for meditation. The church Fathers often spoke of Otium Sanctum, "holy leisure". It refers to a sense of balance in the life, and ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, an ability to pace ourselves. With our tendency to define people in terms of what they produce, we would do well to cultivate "holy leisure". And if we expect to succeed in the contemplative way we must pursue "holy leisure" with a determination that is ruthless to our datebooks." - Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline

somewhere in between

My "sabbatical year" is half over and where am I? I'm still confused.
I know that I want to be teaching ESL. But as a part of what mission? Does the mission exist? Do I have to initiate the mission? As part of what community?

I am very far from community. There are two churches that I am attracted to. But there are turn-offs. Their web-pages illustrate my problem.

The church where I am currently a member has had a racially and culturally diverse congregation. Our youth group has been a rainbow of attributes - something that has been a sign to me of Christ's body. But now it presents stock graphics on its homepage of pretty people that I don't know. On its "about" page it is stated that "Of the four Southern Baptist Churches in town, Immanuel has remained the most traditional in its administration, ministries and worship format." That may explain why so many of our deacons were formerly members of other Baptist churches. As a trained musician, I really like having the notes to look at in a traditional hymnal. But is "traditional" a Christian attribute? It seems to me the "traditions" practiced at Immanuel are less than 150 years old.

Another church that I'm attracted to claims to be
This is a group that offers small groups (a big plus for me), solid theology, and I've had the blessing of knowing the two missionaries who are working in Guatemala. But is "casual" a Christian attribute? I happen to be a rather casual person, but I don't think I get that from the Holy Spirit.

I'd prefer to see a church advertise itself in more Biblical terms. Joy-filled and personal are good, and then there's patient ... kind...

I haven't been progressing well in finding community. I don't long for community. I'm an INTJ and my disposition isn't chummy. But so much of what I read about personal growth in recovery and in spiritual disciplines tells me that community is important. I say I'm looking for community, but I've been avoiding church altogether. I'm not practicing community at all. And I won't find it if I don't practice.

Big sigh. more later.

First assignment for the writing workshop

I'll be editing this over time.

My writing history.
I’m old and my history is long. Here goes.

When I was in middle school, I read the novel “Desirée”. It was written in diary form. I started right then and there to keep a journal … mostly for the benefit of the future historians who would be writing about me. (About thirty years later I threw away all of my journals because I didn’t want future historians to know that I was a blithering idiot who obsessed about the same issues over and over and over.)

I learned that my 10th grade English teacher was a sucker for descriptions like the clank of the door of a pot-belly stove or the dripping of a blackberry on the branch. I thought I was manipulating her by writing vivid descriptions. In fact, she was teaching me.

In the eleventh grade I wrote to amuse friends. There were comic books featuring “The Purple Martin” who was unable to punch his way out of a paper bag but was a super hero otherwise. And a parody of Leslie Gore’s song “Downtown” called “Oatmeal” which made no sense but was a hoot to sing.

I was in the twelfth grade when Simon and Garfunkle became big. I wrote poetry and anguished lyrics. During that same year, my Dad was in grad school and from him I learned the trick of writing term papers. Use topic sentences and always include three details for each thought.

During my “hippy” years, I really thought that I would live a wild life like Neal Cassidy and write about it like Jack Kerouac. And then I could make a lot of money and buy land and live out my years on a commune. A few years after I cumulated a collection of wild adventure stories, I was too embarrassed to describe my risky behavior and would rather my children and grandchildren not know how irresponsible I was. Perhaps the adventures were more entertaining in the doing than the telling.

I did continue writing poetry and had a nice little typewritten collection. I was flattered when my husband showed them around college and his English professor read one to a class to analyze. Unfortunately my husband gave my little book to someone and didn’t try to get it back after we divorced. Unlike some poets, I do not have those poems memorized. But like most lost manuscripts, I’m sure it contained my best work.

I have always been a storyteller, and as I get older, I’m aware that I can be almost obnoxious coming up with stories during conversations. My friends are always encouraging me to write. I suspect that they might be suggesting that I stop yakking and go put it in a book.

Years ago, a coworker encouraged me to write pornography. Before I go on, I must describe my friend as the most wholesome and virtuous women I know; as a professional, she has become the director of a major museum. And I must point out that this was when I was younger and more interested in pornographic issues. No I never published the porn, but it was an important experience in my life because it was not writing to specifications, as most of my subsequent writing has been. In this kind of writing I had the transcendent experience of seeing how developing characters would start to write themselves and story details would seem to come up out of thin air.

I went back to college in my late twenties and majored in history. We had to do a lot of writing as history majors, and I’m proud of the papers that I did. I focused on intellectual history, so I was exposed to very good writing in my studies. My teachers had very high standards and I did not earn A’s easily. Or often.

Away from school and apart from teaching, which is my primary vocation, I have actually been paid to write. But it has been creative writing within strict specifications. (37 characters wide, 6th grade reading level, about the moon, containing the words entertain, habitat, Manitoba and ....) A lot of it has been in a lesson plan format. A great many sentences begin with the words “Have the students….” (measure, stir, shake, write....) .

Under a National Science Foundation grant, I have written a series of babysitter guides complete with read-aloud stories for girls to use to teach young children science. Actually the idea is that the babysitter learns more than the sittee as she is teaching. All this hard work is sitting in a file cabinet somewhere in the Smithsonian vaults next to Indiana Jones’s Ark.

Another NSF grant covered the writing of teacher manuals to accompany the Maryland Science Center’s Beyond Numbers math exhibit. I also wrote scripts for demonstrators on the stage and on the museum floor. These were published and distributed during the life the of the exhibit and I was able to save the work on my website. We had at least 26 people proofread the first edition, but after publication, errors jumped off the page at us! There was no money to create second editions, so I’ve been revising my website editions. It makes me feel better.

I also wrote two units for the Baltimore City STARS Science Curriculum. I’m very proud of these, which were written during the MSPAP era when Baltimore’s inner city students probably had their best chance at getting any hands-on science education.

I also wrote a few booklets for Cooperative Extension in connection with a project called Adventure in Science. I wrote a nice summer curriculum on Science Careers, and a booklet for family outings related to science.

Back when I started writing, it was exciting to see anything I had written in print – letters to editor, short memoirs for a local magazine, reports on local folklife skills. Now, thanks to computers, it may be less of a big deal. Even little kids know what a “font” is. But it’s still a thrill to say that I have my name on several commercial publications as an editor for workbooks on MultiLinks, an internationally known math manipulative.

In all of this writing experienced, I must say that the actual writing process has been torture. Sitting down and writing for these projects almost physically hurt. I would be in some sort of “zone” as I worked, and it wasn’t a nice place to be. I even worked in my sleep; sometimes my biggest problems were solved in my sleep. I would tell friends “Remind me of how much I hate this before I take on another project.” But I never turned down a project.

Then I left the formal/informal education world for a few years. My only connection was in substitute teaching and in that, it is possible to be oblivious to what’s going on. But I started volunteer teaching ESL and have been trying to write a seasonal curriculum for volunteers to use and follow in our church building situation. It’s hard to do because technology is going through rapid change in the ESL world. Even though our evening classes won’t have internet access, we can store MP3’s and movies to use with a computer connected to a big screen TV. There is so much to choose from. Teaching ESL has also made me hyper aware of my native English language. Boy is it hard!

Recently another friend offered to coach me in writing, by sending me assignments. His enthusiasm has died down a bit, but I hope to pick up the momentum by participating in this course. I started with the statement “I like the Goth kids” and I’ve become more and more interested in the Middle School experience for students and faculty alike. My job as an office assistant, which I intend to keep for another year, gets me around the building and I see so much! Apart from vice-principals, I don’t know if anyone gets the variety of perspectives that I have.

For my resume and the Beyond Numbers activities, see my website at Cathysfiddle.com

bloggishness of confusion

I am socially challenged. I know too many wonderful people ... I think I collect them... and yet I do too little to nourish friendships. Same thing with relatives. They're people too. And I don't treasure my people. I declared this my year of sabbatical and I have really pulled away from my church. I actually feel a part of two churches, yet I attend neither. Oh make that four churches counting the Spanish and Korean ones. Tonight Immanuel Baptist has a meet and greet for a new pastor ... he's not officially a new pastor, but since the search committee picked him, I doubt short of a lightening strike he'll be voted down. He gives a sermon tomorrow. Meanwhile Community of Joy is renovating a new building. And the Iglesia Bautista is growing and the Korean pastor's daughter just graduated. You'd think I might show up for some of this. But day by day, I'm not up for it. ... more later. I've got to go to class.