journaling

1.
I've been drifting away from the mirror
forgetting denying escaping the image of who I have been
who I am ...
instead i have been nobody and doing nothing

Dear God, you know me. I call out to you. Take me to the mirror. Shelter me, soothe me, but open my eyes, Dear Revealer.

2.
Here I am elderly
and eager to get older
and qualify for Medicare.
I'll quit my job and write
and read and watch movies.
I'll rescue a dog
and walk her for exercise,
up and down those stairs.
My grandmother was fat at my age
like me - though she wore a girdle, used no cane.
I think she was sharper mentally
She didn't have a job, but she did volunteer work

Dear God, my Grandmother taught me about you. May you bless her soul.
all the souls who showed me You. Thank you.

3.
Men. All so imperfect. Cruelly thoughtless. Liars. Pompous and vain. Foolish. But I am proud to have
loved the worthwhile and useful parts of them.

Dear God, help me to be patient with men.

Bottom

This is a screen shot from the movie "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead", a movie about two brothers who make very bad decisions and find their lives unraveling. I'm very much in touch with that feeling this morning. I don't know if it's therapeutic, but I want to lay out these bad feelings in one place. Maybe to face them. Maybe to mark a bottom place in hopes that things don't get much worse.

I have three weeks of laundry accumulated. I don't have cash enough for the laundromat. I need help getting the bags into the car and I'm daunted by the simple task of pulling the wet laundry out of the machines and into the dryer. I'm not out of clothes if I'm careful. I will be able to have some cash on Wednesday, but don't know if I'll have energy for the four hours at the laundromat until next weekend.

A friend called last night and asked if she could ask another friend if she could clean house for me. I'm guessing that she means to pay the other friend who makes her living this way. I told her I'd get back to her. How can I describe how such an offer accentuates how bad I feel? I don't even understand it myself. I really would like my space to be cleaner and Alicia has done a great job in the past. None could do it better. I am sad that I can't pay Alicia with my own money. I am sad that I am physically unable to get on my hands and knees as I used to. I'm sad that I can't climb a ladder. I am sad that I'm in bed much of the time because of pain. I'm sad that despite how much I work through therapy, there is a race between physical progress and physical deterioration. I don't think I mind accepting help when I think it's temporary. I feel that a helpful person would like to see some progress for their efforts. Help for me seems like a place holder.

On a daily basis, I have food, shelter, transportation, work, medication, entertainment and work. So much more plenty than so many others in this world. But I struggle with the feeling that I'm entitled: that I'm entitled to security that I don't have ( ... my church paid my rent this month and I don't know how I'll make the next car payment and the car takes me to work), that I'm entitled to more (my friends and family often complain that I should have a better apartment). I know in my mind that I'm not entitled any more than anyone else, but my heart has a different story.

My best friends, the people I most confided in and sought advice from, have died in the last ten years. This reminds me that I am mortal. I feel unready to die and realize that I'm not progressing in that readiness. I figure I'll be even worse off before I die. That's not optimism. I wake up too often with very dark thoughts.

This improves during the day. I have plenty of diversions ... and probably too many opportunities for entertainment. I have good spiritual resources which are handy when I choose to use them. I have wonderful people in my immediate world ... the graces of people make the sins of people easier to bear. The grace of God make my own sins easier to bear. Spiritual resources don't guarantee happiness, but they do sustain me.

Not so overwhelmed at home

How nice to have a next door neighbor who was willing to bring me a glass of water after I'd taken off my velcro boot to go to bed! It makes me feel a lot less helpless when I am able to accept help from other people. And I've got lots of people who are helpful. With and without help I got a few chores done and don't feel so overwhelmed today.

PS To quote Lena
Thank goodness for unsecured wireless networks!

Overwhelmed at home

There is a very big jump from skilled nursing care and being alone at home. I was definitely ready to leave the nursing home and was the most independent patient there, but I'm feeling very inadequate at home alone. It's hard to find a place to begin sorting things out and hard to decide how to schedule my day. Every little thing is a big deal.

Outta Here

I'll be leaving the nursing home this Saturday afternoon!
I've been practicing walking with a walker and climbing stairs with a cane. Kind friends from church came and cleaned my apartment and have stocked my kitchen!
I don't know when I'll be online. I have to reconnect my cable connection. I'll be out of work for at least two more weeks. So much to do!!