Flu and lunch duty

I'm on my break at work and reading up on the latest with swine flu. We've been warned that a pandemic can happen ... just as we've been warned that the real estate bubble could burst. (a pandemic will make our economic woes increase as welll)

I'm dreading lunch duty when I get to watch fourth and fifth graders do unsanitary things with food. I've already been watching how they waste food and resources. I'll do what I can.

stepping out

I didn't go to work this morning because I woke up with a raging headache and an upset stomach. But that's not what I meant to write about. I'm writing about progress - although staying home sick doesn't seem like much progress. I guess it's a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing.

Because of my recent experience, I've gotten interested in visiting people who are stuck at home, or in the nursing home, or in their minds .... Being a semi-stuck sort of person myself, I haven't run out and gotten things happening very quickly. But yesterday I did an important thing: I stopped by the nursing home. My ankles both hurt dreadfully after a day of work, but I was motivated. Unfortunately the two people I'd hoped to visit were no longer there. But I saw two people I recognized and visited with them. One woman had gone home while I'd been there and was back after a fall that broke her pelvis. She was mighty blue and I commiserated. Another woman had been there for some time making slow progress from a severe stroke. I promised her some fast food on my next visit. I didn't do much and I didn't stay long, but I think my feet actually felt better as I left.

Lesson learned - a person can do some service if they just appear in a needy place and open their eyes and ears. No need to figure it out.

Progress and progress

I let go of some pride and let Alicia and her sister in law give my house a thorough cleaning. I don't know how she did it. She even did the ceiling fan and I don't know how she reached it. She's about 4'10'' and her sister is much shorter than that. They even cleaned the venetian blinds. They were exhausted when they left at 7 and I try not to think about it because I came home and went straight to bed at 3:30 and feel like a slacker.
One of our teachers rushed to the hospital this morning (test results yet to be disclosed) and I covered a few eighth grade classes. Actually the teacher's husband, who is also a teacher, popped in frequently. We both were at a loss on the algebra (the course work on the graphing calculator magically erased from my head) so we just chatted with them. I had them taking turns telling stories about bone breaks. Riveting!
I've been following Renovaré pamphlet on discovering my current rhythms of life and filling them with a deeper awareness of God. (I just misplaced it, but I'm doing the exercise anyway). I'm reading my grandmother's old prayer book daily too as a way to start and end the day. I'm trying to keep it simple and as close to my old routine as I can so that I can keep to it.

Bottom

This is a screen shot from the movie "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead", a movie about two brothers who make very bad decisions and find their lives unraveling. I'm very much in touch with that feeling this morning. I don't know if it's therapeutic, but I want to lay out these bad feelings in one place. Maybe to face them. Maybe to mark a bottom place in hopes that things don't get much worse.

I have three weeks of laundry accumulated. I don't have cash enough for the laundromat. I need help getting the bags into the car and I'm daunted by the simple task of pulling the wet laundry out of the machines and into the dryer. I'm not out of clothes if I'm careful. I will be able to have some cash on Wednesday, but don't know if I'll have energy for the four hours at the laundromat until next weekend.

A friend called last night and asked if she could ask another friend if she could clean house for me. I'm guessing that she means to pay the other friend who makes her living this way. I told her I'd get back to her. How can I describe how such an offer accentuates how bad I feel? I don't even understand it myself. I really would like my space to be cleaner and Alicia has done a great job in the past. None could do it better. I am sad that I can't pay Alicia with my own money. I am sad that I am physically unable to get on my hands and knees as I used to. I'm sad that I can't climb a ladder. I am sad that I'm in bed much of the time because of pain. I'm sad that despite how much I work through therapy, there is a race between physical progress and physical deterioration. I don't think I mind accepting help when I think it's temporary. I feel that a helpful person would like to see some progress for their efforts. Help for me seems like a place holder.

On a daily basis, I have food, shelter, transportation, work, medication, entertainment and work. So much more plenty than so many others in this world. But I struggle with the feeling that I'm entitled: that I'm entitled to security that I don't have ( ... my church paid my rent this month and I don't know how I'll make the next car payment and the car takes me to work), that I'm entitled to more (my friends and family often complain that I should have a better apartment). I know in my mind that I'm not entitled any more than anyone else, but my heart has a different story.

My best friends, the people I most confided in and sought advice from, have died in the last ten years. This reminds me that I am mortal. I feel unready to die and realize that I'm not progressing in that readiness. I figure I'll be even worse off before I die. That's not optimism. I wake up too often with very dark thoughts.

This improves during the day. I have plenty of diversions ... and probably too many opportunities for entertainment. I have good spiritual resources which are handy when I choose to use them. I have wonderful people in my immediate world ... the graces of people make the sins of people easier to bear. The grace of God make my own sins easier to bear. Spiritual resources don't guarantee happiness, but they do sustain me.

Back in the pool

It was nice to be back in the warm water pool at Aquacare today, but after 3 hours of therapy I was shot for the day. Becky the therapist gave me a huge massage on my hand (and then ice) and still feel sore 10 hours later. She told me about patients addicted to pain meds and made me glad that's not a problem for me so far.

I've been grumpy with relatives.

I went to the new coffee shop run by some folks from my church. Good mellow coffee, fair trade, and a muffin cost me less than $3.

Progress and regress

I've been blue because my financial picture is looking bleak and as I mentioned, I'm tired of pain. But I went to physical therapy yesterday and to my surgeon's today and physically things should be looking up this month. I'll be in the pool for gait work and "on land" for my wrist strengthening. Right now my grip is at 6 in my left hand as opposed to 40 in my right. The therapist tells me that should improve.
Also I'll be picking up new shoes and orthotics tomorrow (and they're already paid for).
My church is paying my rent this month. It's hard to be on the receiving end of charity, but it's wonderful that it's there.