Journaling

It's been a great week. I've stuck to my food plan, kept up with my novena on Dorothy Day, prayed for others, done some swimming, kept up with NaNoMo much better than I thought. Haven't had the urge to watch tv or movies.

I asked a stranger to sponsor me in the 90 day OA program. That wasn't too bright. A sponsor is someone who has what you want and you do what they did. I realize I don't know what she has. And she doesn't seem willing to tell me ("we'll discuss your food plan first.") She vetoed some of my foods and I accepted that veto because sugar is an ingredient. But she also vetoed fruits canned with fruit juice  ("processed") and homemade hummus ("I don't do mixtures." "But you eat salad").  Now I don't know if I want what she has ... since I'm not yet aware of what she has. I am a food addict and can't recover by myself. I have illusions and delusions.

As I was wondering "How do I know what's right? Who will tell me?" I realized that I can pray for the answer.

A week of daily prayers

A pattern for prayer
Who God is
What I need from God
Intercessions
Thanks to God

Monday
Dear Father. You are my Helper, my Friend, my Shelter, my Healer.
Be my strength today as I do the few things I hope to do.
Give me abstinence from unhealthy behavior.
Grant me pleasure in healthy activity.
May Sherry feel your loving arms around her in her distress.
Protect Lynn and her household from the nearby fires.
Help my son weather his financial storms.
Keep his family safe in their travels.
Thank you for the shelter you have given my family.
Thank you for the beauty you have provided in music.
Thank you for the greenery of where I live.
Thank you for making yourself known.

Tuesday
Dear Father. You are the Creator of all, the Lover of all, the Healer of all.
I lean on your patience and your love.
I need your strength today.
I pray for those in your community of belief.
Give them wisdom and comfort.
Grant Sherry acceptance, grant Lynne protection, help my son with his finances.
Thank you for the love you have given us.
Thank you for the beauty of the earth.
Thank you for wisdom.

Wednesday
Dear Lord of my life. You are my Defender. You are my Guide. You are my Protector.
I live in your patience. I draw strength in your guidance.
Help me to grow stronger day by day.
Please help my son find comfort in your will.
Help our leaders find non-violent solutions.
Comfort Sherry, protect those in danger in the fires, give the brethren wisdom.
Thank you for the gift of gratitude for my son.
Thank you for the morning.
Thank you for medicines.

Thursday
Dear Lord and Teacher. You are my patient Teacher.  You are always near.
I love to be in your presence.
Please let me know how I depend on you. Help me draw energy from your love.
Help my son.
Hear our prayers for peace.
Comfort the sorrowful.
Thank you for the community of those that love you and seek your will.
Thank you for nourishment and wakefulness.

Friday
Dear Creator and Lover of Creation. You are the unknown who reveals yourself to us.
Let me know you. Let me be with you.
Be with Ben and help his patients in Uganda. Help him find the supplies and tools he needs.
Please help my son be in peace.
Comfort Sherry.
Thank you for the progress in calming the California fires.
Thank you for my prescriptions.

Saturday
Dear originator of Life. You are the source of all our movement, reproduction, energy, growth...
Let me move and demonstrate your energy. Help me to heal.
Help Seth please, and give his doctors wisdom and knowledge.
Help his parents help him.
Give my son financial security.
Comfort Sherry.
Thank you for the loveliness of this temperate weather.
Thank you for the comfort of home.

Journal

Dear Lord. I remember you this morning. I look to you this morning. I center myself on you this day. My grateful heart goes to you this morning.
You bring me out of the petty worries scattered around the floor of my living space.
You feed me with your blessings.

What to wear? How to move? What to bring?
Let go and let God take care of these things. Just begin.

Dear Lord, I'm grateful. I'm up early on a holiday I hope to get a lot done with the help of Danielle. She is a blessing! Thank you for the gift of abstinence from overeating and the gift of others who are an encouragement and an example.

The day begins with gratitude and promise. Last night's fear of death is put aside.

Dear Lord, I groan with the pain of being human and being alive for so long. I am old yet I fear death. My doubts obstruct my hopes. I trust too much in my consciousness. How can I be afraid to lose myself in you?

I'm grateful that I work with adolescents.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

Dear Lord, I want to let you work in me.  The will and the power for my transformation comes from you.  Change me dear Lord.

. . . I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Dear Friend, you came and found me.  I wasn't looking for you.  You used every trick in the book to capture me. Why me, Lord? I am so poorly equipped to hold a place in your kingdom. You hold my hand and I hold yours.

journaling - Let me hide myself in Thee

Dear Lord, I ask your protection as I monitor my fragile health. Dear Lord, you know how much gluttony and sloth have gotten me this way. Please hold me in your hand as I struggle toward health. Dear Lord may I increase in health to serve you better. If my back pain is my cross, help me to bear it. Help me to release weight and compulsion that make me unhealthy and of less use to you.
Your beauty and grace are my comfort and joy. Let me hide myself in you.

Dear Lord, I have been much too harsh and critical. I have been a scold. This had not helped anyone. My comments have not improved things. Dear Lord, may I show the grace that you have shown me. May I feel the love that helps us all grow and flourish. May I express this love to others.

Sunday morning ... a morning from my childhood. Watching people walk to church in couples and families, the chimes are playing Jesus Loves Me. I went to the early service ... the one with the "old" people ... and the scripture was from the Sermon on the Mount, starting with my confirmation verse (Matthew 6:19 ).  The hymns were familiar and we sang every verse.  By no means do I think of this old "mainstream" culture as the only way to celebrate Christ; I just enjoyed it on this particular morning.

Pastor Sharon apparently doesn't do sermons, but her prayers are wonderful. She seems to voice my concerns so well and she speaks with the assurance of God's mercy and love.

Journaling New Year

I measure my life in 20 year increments.
The third ...20 years ... was spent trying to forget the madness of the second. But nothing is more vivid than that madness.

Dear Lord, I am afraid of death as I am afraid of you.

Old friends have died, and more are yet to die. It's not that I miss being with them. When they were alive we were rarely in touch. I wonder at them falling into death. They sing "holy, holy, holy" whether they want to or not.

When are the indignities of life more painful than the indignity of death? Not yet. Not yet.

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This is the year of "when I'm sixty-four". I remember, when I was nineteen, trying to imagine it. Well now here it is. Of course it's different than I imagined.
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I get in trouble when I scold. Scolding usually turns around to bite me.
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When I was about 8 years old I used to make small worlds of fairies in the woods. I'd make tiny people out of paper, sometimes out of clothespins, and I'd set them up in little houses made of twigs, leaves, funguses, moss. I left them in different places in the woods so the lumberjacks would find them.

journaling

1.
I've been drifting away from the mirror
forgetting denying escaping the image of who I have been
who I am ...
instead i have been nobody and doing nothing

Dear God, you know me. I call out to you. Take me to the mirror. Shelter me, soothe me, but open my eyes, Dear Revealer.

2.
Here I am elderly
and eager to get older
and qualify for Medicare.
I'll quit my job and write
and read and watch movies.
I'll rescue a dog
and walk her for exercise,
up and down those stairs.
My grandmother was fat at my age
like me - though she wore a girdle, used no cane.
I think she was sharper mentally
She didn't have a job, but she did volunteer work

Dear God, my Grandmother taught me about you. May you bless her soul.
all the souls who showed me You. Thank you.

3.
Men. All so imperfect. Cruelly thoughtless. Liars. Pompous and vain. Foolish. But I am proud to have
loved the worthwhile and useful parts of them.

Dear God, help me to be patient with men.

Progress and progress

I let go of some pride and let Alicia and her sister in law give my house a thorough cleaning. I don't know how she did it. She even did the ceiling fan and I don't know how she reached it. She's about 4'10'' and her sister is much shorter than that. They even cleaned the venetian blinds. They were exhausted when they left at 7 and I try not to think about it because I came home and went straight to bed at 3:30 and feel like a slacker.
One of our teachers rushed to the hospital this morning (test results yet to be disclosed) and I covered a few eighth grade classes. Actually the teacher's husband, who is also a teacher, popped in frequently. We both were at a loss on the algebra (the course work on the graphing calculator magically erased from my head) so we just chatted with them. I had them taking turns telling stories about bone breaks. Riveting!
I've been following Renovaré pamphlet on discovering my current rhythms of life and filling them with a deeper awareness of God. (I just misplaced it, but I'm doing the exercise anyway). I'm reading my grandmother's old prayer book daily too as a way to start and end the day. I'm trying to keep it simple and as close to my old routine as I can so that I can keep to it.

Wednesday one prayer

Wednesday: What is your One Prayer? If you could pray one prayer for the Church, what would it be?

Before I accepted Christ as my savior, teacher, Lord, and friend, I was sort of a fuzzy new-age pantheist. And before that I was a Baha'i. As I Baha'i, I felt I had the key to world unity and peace. All we needed was for everyone to become Baha'i! I have come to believe that not everyone will agree on a religion. God draws each believer in the way that is right and timely for her. And some will never be believers at all.
Still, my prayer for the Church is unity. Not that we all think the same way. I can see by the one prayer responses so far that we have very different slants. But let's accept the diversity in the Christian body and remember that Christ is the head.

Tuesday's one prayer activity

Tuesday: We will fast together and pray for salvations. Go to the website to write the first name of someone you are praying will come to know Christ.If you can't fast, you might devote an hour to praying for salvations by sacrificing your time from the TV or another activity.

According to Baptist theology, Gareth is saved already, but I'll pray for him anyway.
I also want to pray for Anne, a dear internet friend, and Lena, a neighbor.
I'll fast from sweets, meat, movies and drama.

I want to pray

First a prayer of profound gratitude for the people in my new church. Tonight was when the "praise band" practices. I hauled my guitar and played around with tunings. I haven't played in such a long time, and haven't had so much fun playing for an even longer time. There were a few young children running around and full of laughter. We shushed them when they got too distracting and they would shush. There were four of us playing and a patient husband and a patient mother waiting. I realize that besides the joy of making music I was experiencing patience, simplicity, and security. So I want to pray my gratitude.

I also want to pray, yet again, "I believe. Please help me with my unbelief." I'll be sixty in a few days. I am realizing that I most probably will not be alive in thirty years. None of my future years can be taken for granted. Am I ready for whatever lies beyond this life? Am I truly living my present life?

Foster on Prayer

"To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives." - Foster Celebration of Discipline p. 33

I see this too much in my own life. Right now my life is approaching a state of emergency, but I still am resisting change.