Second Draft - more pensive - please proofread, it is harder to write after the stroke

I developed a sense of history when I was in middle school. Two activities had profound impact on my future life. A few of us in our two room school had a special assignment - to research a history of our hamlet, Porter Corners, and publish a newsletter of our findings. The second event was a reading work of fiction. I read the historical romance novel Désirée, by Annemarie Selinko. Because the characters were from real history, I started right then and there to keep a journal. I imagined it to be for the benefit of the future historians who would be writing about me.

About thirty years later I threw away all of my journals. I have not regretted this. I don’t want future historians to know how I obsessed about the same issues over and over. I don’t think a journal of emotional leakage is an accurate primary resource for an epoch.

Later another book, Naked Angels: The Lives and Literature of the Beat Generation by John Tytell, gave me the impetus to drop out of college. During those “hippy” years, I thought that I would live a wild life like Neal Cassidy and write about it like Jack Kerouac. In a few years I accumulated a collection of adventure stories. I was a member of the turbulent decade, an active player in the sixties.

But as the era passed, I was too embarrassed to describe my risky behavior. I would rather my children and grandchildren not know how irresponsible I was. Perhaps the adventures were more entertaining in the doing than in the telling.

I did write poetry during this time and had a nice little typewritten collection. I was flattered when my husband showed them around college and his English professor read one to a class to analyze. Unfortunately my husband gave my little book to someone and didn’t try to get it back after we divorced. I do not have those poems memorized but bits of them come to mind now and then.

Another era is transient history.

I went back to college in my late twenties and majored in history. We had to do a lot of writing as history majors, and I’m proud of the papers that I did. I focused on intellectual history, so I was exposed to very good writing in my studies. Durkheim, Marx, Weber, Edwards, - heady intellectuals and I was proud to know them.

But after college, my vocation was teaching elementary school, and Durkheim and the rest quickly faded in my comprehension. I was busy finding fresh ways to present remedial number facts to third graders.

I did quite a bit of writing directly related to teaching.
Under a National Science Foundation grant, I wrote a series of babysitter guides complete with read-aloud stories for girls to use to teach young children science. Actually the idea was that the babysitter learns more than the child as she is teaching. That project went directly to a file cabinet that is in the vaults of the Smithsonian.

I also wrote two units for the Baltimore City STARS Science Curriculum. That passed with the next new administration.

I also wrote a few booklets for Cooperative Extension in connection with a project called 4-H Adventure in Science. I wrote a nice summer curriculum on Science Careers, and a booklet for family outings related to science. I was involved until the USDA grant ran out.

Another NSF grant covered the writing of teacher manuals to accompany the Maryland Science Center’s Beyond Numbers math exhibit. I also wrote scripts for demonstrators on the stage and on the museum floor. These were published and distributed during the life of the exhibit. After my Smithonian experience, I wised up. I was able to save the work on my website. It lives in cyberspace.

It may be that the best enduring work I have done is to transcribe oral narratives. My grandmother and father live on print. When my father had lost much of his memory, I read aloud to him the memoirs he wrote of his grandmother. He laughed out loud as he exclaimed, “This stuff is good”.

I have learned from him that, try as much as we try to accumulate, much of our historical memory is ephemera.

stroke

I thought I'd let you know I had a stroke this week and was in the hospital. The only things that seem to be affected are my expressive speech and my spelling. And those hit me where I live, to be sure! But I am recovering pretty well. Two days ago I could not I write at all. So I'll be keeping in touch.

Herbert Marshall

What a dreamboat. He looks a little like Russel Crowe.
And did you ever notice that Jean Gabin looks a lot like Kenneth Branagh? or is it just me?

Questions answered

I found the answer to my confusion:
I've been going through a study guide to Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart and yesterday a page pointed me to Romans 12. It serves as a checklist of what I'm looking for in a church. I took the list and applied it to the church I have considered leaving. Here's what I found.

4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.

We are certainly a diverse group and it's plain to see the gifts in many, as they are used to the benefit of the church body as a whole.

If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

How can I resent when someone does one thing (that may seem less strenuous to me) and not another? Especially when it seems to help the church body live?

Love

9Love must be sincere.

Seems that way to me.

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

We've done a good job of standing up for the good without being hurtful.

10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.

check

Honor one another above yourselves.

I don't see very many signs of ego, except in myself.

11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

Our worship lacks "oomph" to be sure, but steadfastness has to count as fervor.

12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Same as above.

13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

We do this - definitely!

14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

I don't know who those people are, so I don't know. I don't hear any complaining or finger pointing.

15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

check

16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

We could do this better, by not being awed by worldly status, but we are far better than most, I think. We have lots of people in "low position" in honorable service to the church.

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

This is done, IMO, to an extreme. Doesn't anybody ever disagree?! But maybe the lack of peace is my own.

19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord. 20On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As I said above, I'm unaware of any need for revenge or of enemies. I guess we're going a good job of overcoming evil with good. After studying this list, I wonder "What has been the big deal?" and I think I'm been fussing over small stuff.

In a few moments after coming to the conclusion that my church is the right place to be, I also found the solution to my "small groups" problem. I've been looking for small groups to be a substitute for 12 step groups. But 12 step groups can meet the same need, and I already have them.

Finally, the question of where would I base my ESL mission work was answered as I sat with the Hispanic congregation yesterday afternoon. So many people asked about English class, and I said "January", so I guess January it is. I asked a young man to be a teacher and I got his number. He is fresh out of high school ESL and has pretty good English. I got the feeling that the pastor was happy to see I was finding a place of service for the young man.

holy leisure

"We must come to see, therefore, how central our whole day is in preparing us for specific times of meditation. If we are constantly being swept off our feet with frantic activity, we will be unable to be attentive at the moment of inward silence. A mind that is harassed and fragmented by external affairs is hardly prepared for meditation. The church Fathers often spoke of Otium Sanctum, "holy leisure". It refers to a sense of balance in the life, and ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, an ability to pace ourselves. With our tendency to define people in terms of what they produce, we would do well to cultivate "holy leisure". And if we expect to succeed in the contemplative way we must pursue "holy leisure" with a determination that is ruthless to our datebooks." - Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline

somewhere in between

My "sabbatical year" is half over and where am I? I'm still confused.
I know that I want to be teaching ESL. But as a part of what mission? Does the mission exist? Do I have to initiate the mission? As part of what community?

I am very far from community. There are two churches that I am attracted to. But there are turn-offs. Their web-pages illustrate my problem.

The church where I am currently a member has had a racially and culturally diverse congregation. Our youth group has been a rainbow of attributes - something that has been a sign to me of Christ's body. But now it presents stock graphics on its homepage of pretty people that I don't know. On its "about" page it is stated that "Of the four Southern Baptist Churches in town, Immanuel has remained the most traditional in its administration, ministries and worship format." That may explain why so many of our deacons were formerly members of other Baptist churches. As a trained musician, I really like having the notes to look at in a traditional hymnal. But is "traditional" a Christian attribute? It seems to me the "traditions" practiced at Immanuel are less than 150 years old.

Another church that I'm attracted to claims to be
This is a group that offers small groups (a big plus for me), solid theology, and I've had the blessing of knowing the two missionaries who are working in Guatemala. But is "casual" a Christian attribute? I happen to be a rather casual person, but I don't think I get that from the Holy Spirit.

I'd prefer to see a church advertise itself in more Biblical terms. Joy-filled and personal are good, and then there's patient ... kind...

I haven't been progressing well in finding community. I don't long for community. I'm an INTJ and my disposition isn't chummy. But so much of what I read about personal growth in recovery and in spiritual disciplines tells me that community is important. I say I'm looking for community, but I've been avoiding church altogether. I'm not practicing community at all. And I won't find it if I don't practice.

Big sigh. more later.

First assignment for the writing workshop

I'll be editing this over time.

My writing history.
I’m old and my history is long. Here goes.

When I was in middle school, I read the novel “Desirée”. It was written in diary form. I started right then and there to keep a journal … mostly for the benefit of the future historians who would be writing about me. (About thirty years later I threw away all of my journals because I didn’t want future historians to know that I was a blithering idiot who obsessed about the same issues over and over and over.)

I learned that my 10th grade English teacher was a sucker for descriptions like the clank of the door of a pot-belly stove or the dripping of a blackberry on the branch. I thought I was manipulating her by writing vivid descriptions. In fact, she was teaching me.

In the eleventh grade I wrote to amuse friends. There were comic books featuring “The Purple Martin” who was unable to punch his way out of a paper bag but was a super hero otherwise. And a parody of Leslie Gore’s song “Downtown” called “Oatmeal” which made no sense but was a hoot to sing.

I was in the twelfth grade when Simon and Garfunkle became big. I wrote poetry and anguished lyrics. During that same year, my Dad was in grad school and from him I learned the trick of writing term papers. Use topic sentences and always include three details for each thought.

During my “hippy” years, I really thought that I would live a wild life like Neal Cassidy and write about it like Jack Kerouac. And then I could make a lot of money and buy land and live out my years on a commune. A few years after I cumulated a collection of wild adventure stories, I was too embarrassed to describe my risky behavior and would rather my children and grandchildren not know how irresponsible I was. Perhaps the adventures were more entertaining in the doing than the telling.

I did continue writing poetry and had a nice little typewritten collection. I was flattered when my husband showed them around college and his English professor read one to a class to analyze. Unfortunately my husband gave my little book to someone and didn’t try to get it back after we divorced. Unlike some poets, I do not have those poems memorized. But like most lost manuscripts, I’m sure it contained my best work.

I have always been a storyteller, and as I get older, I’m aware that I can be almost obnoxious coming up with stories during conversations. My friends are always encouraging me to write. I suspect that they might be suggesting that I stop yakking and go put it in a book.

Years ago, a coworker encouraged me to write pornography. Before I go on, I must describe my friend as the most wholesome and virtuous women I know; as a professional, she has become the director of a major museum. And I must point out that this was when I was younger and more interested in pornographic issues. No I never published the porn, but it was an important experience in my life because it was not writing to specifications, as most of my subsequent writing has been. In this kind of writing I had the transcendent experience of seeing how developing characters would start to write themselves and story details would seem to come up out of thin air.

I went back to college in my late twenties and majored in history. We had to do a lot of writing as history majors, and I’m proud of the papers that I did. I focused on intellectual history, so I was exposed to very good writing in my studies. My teachers had very high standards and I did not earn A’s easily. Or often.

Away from school and apart from teaching, which is my primary vocation, I have actually been paid to write. But it has been creative writing within strict specifications. (37 characters wide, 6th grade reading level, about the moon, containing the words entertain, habitat, Manitoba and ....) A lot of it has been in a lesson plan format. A great many sentences begin with the words “Have the students….” (measure, stir, shake, write....) .

Under a National Science Foundation grant, I have written a series of babysitter guides complete with read-aloud stories for girls to use to teach young children science. Actually the idea is that the babysitter learns more than the sittee as she is teaching. All this hard work is sitting in a file cabinet somewhere in the Smithsonian vaults next to Indiana Jones’s Ark.

Another NSF grant covered the writing of teacher manuals to accompany the Maryland Science Center’s Beyond Numbers math exhibit. I also wrote scripts for demonstrators on the stage and on the museum floor. These were published and distributed during the life the of the exhibit and I was able to save the work on my website. We had at least 26 people proofread the first edition, but after publication, errors jumped off the page at us! There was no money to create second editions, so I’ve been revising my website editions. It makes me feel better.

I also wrote two units for the Baltimore City STARS Science Curriculum. I’m very proud of these, which were written during the MSPAP era when Baltimore’s inner city students probably had their best chance at getting any hands-on science education.

I also wrote a few booklets for Cooperative Extension in connection with a project called Adventure in Science. I wrote a nice summer curriculum on Science Careers, and a booklet for family outings related to science.

Back when I started writing, it was exciting to see anything I had written in print – letters to editor, short memoirs for a local magazine, reports on local folklife skills. Now, thanks to computers, it may be less of a big deal. Even little kids know what a “font” is. But it’s still a thrill to say that I have my name on several commercial publications as an editor for workbooks on MultiLinks, an internationally known math manipulative.

In all of this writing experienced, I must say that the actual writing process has been torture. Sitting down and writing for these projects almost physically hurt. I would be in some sort of “zone” as I worked, and it wasn’t a nice place to be. I even worked in my sleep; sometimes my biggest problems were solved in my sleep. I would tell friends “Remind me of how much I hate this before I take on another project.” But I never turned down a project.

Then I left the formal/informal education world for a few years. My only connection was in substitute teaching and in that, it is possible to be oblivious to what’s going on. But I started volunteer teaching ESL and have been trying to write a seasonal curriculum for volunteers to use and follow in our church building situation. It’s hard to do because technology is going through rapid change in the ESL world. Even though our evening classes won’t have internet access, we can store MP3’s and movies to use with a computer connected to a big screen TV. There is so much to choose from. Teaching ESL has also made me hyper aware of my native English language. Boy is it hard!

Recently another friend offered to coach me in writing, by sending me assignments. His enthusiasm has died down a bit, but I hope to pick up the momentum by participating in this course. I started with the statement “I like the Goth kids” and I’ve become more and more interested in the Middle School experience for students and faculty alike. My job as an office assistant, which I intend to keep for another year, gets me around the building and I see so much! Apart from vice-principals, I don’t know if anyone gets the variety of perspectives that I have.

For my resume and the Beyond Numbers activities, see my website at Cathysfiddle.com

bloggishness of confusion

I am socially challenged. I know too many wonderful people ... I think I collect them... and yet I do too little to nourish friendships. Same thing with relatives. They're people too. And I don't treasure my people. I declared this my year of sabbatical and I have really pulled away from my church. I actually feel a part of two churches, yet I attend neither. Oh make that four churches counting the Spanish and Korean ones. Tonight Immanuel Baptist has a meet and greet for a new pastor ... he's not officially a new pastor, but since the search committee picked him, I doubt short of a lightening strike he'll be voted down. He gives a sermon tomorrow. Meanwhile Community of Joy is renovating a new building. And the Iglesia Bautista is growing and the Korean pastor's daughter just graduated. You'd think I might show up for some of this. But day by day, I'm not up for it. ... more later. I've got to go to class.

Plugging a good website

Here's my plug for Kantalk, a nice place to meet people from around the world who would like to improve their English speaking skills. If you speak English, there are people there would would love to have a conversation with you. I've really broadened my horizons with the conversations I've had with some of these people.

Tenor sax -- jazz

Thanks to a Brazilian musician who I met through KanTalk, I learned the name of Michael Brecker. This youtube video had me in a trance. Brecker is the sax player on our right. Just awesome.

Gwen

We were interviewing people to teach our summer 4-H program. I had written its curriculum and it was the first time I had ever been in the interview process for a teacher. Gwen was very pretty and reminding me of the girl my son was dating. She had naturally curly long dark hair and a heart-shaped face. She was compact with a narrow waist and wrists and ankles like a doll. During the school year she was a Baltimore City third grade science teacher. I asked her which unit she liked best and she named one that I had written. Of course that made her my choice.

Our program took place in inner city Baltimore neighborhoods. We offered to plug our program into existing recreation programs run by neighborhood heroes who were determined to provide positive role models and a safe recreational environment in midst of drugs, despair and depression. These programs were found in church basements and city rec centers. Gwen and I were the only white faces for blocks but that never seemed to be a problem. Gwen and her husband had moved into the inner city as Mennonite missionaries.

Gwen always wore a black lacy cap, almost a bow, at the crown of her head. Of course this was noticeable and the kids would ask her why she wore it. She would say that it was her choice to wear it because she loved Jesus.

Florence Christoplos

The previous post from Jo Ann reminds me of one of the best teachers I've had (I can't say EVER had because I had many many best teachers). I took as many of her courses for special education teachers as I could, and one was a course on teaching aesthetics. There's no special gimmic to teaching special ed, but Dr. Christoplos taught us many very basic things.

One involved teaching the elements of art using post cards. I used this with my inner city third graders and then took a few of them to the big art museum in D.C. They were able to wow surrounding strangers by walking into an exhibit and identifying the works with the artist's name. In some cases, they were able to describe which period the works were created. I had so much fun with this, that I brought my cards whenever I was visiting an art museum, even with adults. And a visit to the museum gift shop helped me expand my collection.

Here's a hint of what we did.

I'd start with very different works. Say, Audubon and Picasso. I'd say "Sort the cards into Audubon and Picasso. ... How did you know the difference?" Then I'd do the cards like flashcards which would give the kids practice saying the artists' names. Then I'd add another artist, say Rembrandt, and go through the process again. We would describe the differences ... subject matter, lighting, medium, perspective, choice of colors. Then I might introduce another work by one of the familiar artists and have the student guess who the artist might be.

Here is a work by Monet.



Can you find another painting by Monet?
(show the following post cards)






If the student chooses the wrong one, you might make a comment like "Oh that is a Matisse. I love the way its figures are kind of flat, and how there are fabric patterns and natural objects going this way and that in different directions and making your eye dance all round the picture." Such comments open the way to a later matching of Matisses.

What I like about this sort of teaching is that I didn't have to learn a whole lot of stuff before I started teaching. All I needed was the artist's name on the back of the post card, and maybe a date. The student can discover things that the teacher hasn't noticed, and each person can find his way through the art in a unique way.

Jo Ann elaborates

Oh yes, you fill in the blanks so very well! Would it be ok if I put this in my blog?

On May 17, 2007, at 1:50 PM, Jo Ann wrote:

Your blog mentions that we had some times together, but you couldn’t remember exactly what. This is my account of the story:

Early in 1992, we met in a Friday night OA meeting at Woods. You had come back after being away for some time. I added your number to my list of members, called you as good OA’ers do, and talked about what I was experiencing in OA. Of course that was all about my higher power, Who I had become friends with during my early OA years in the late 70’s. During that period in the 70’s through OA meetings, He had helped me to learn about Him and how much He loved me, and helped me to overcome drugs and alcohol. And then again in the early 90’s He had helped me to loose 86 pounds living a “fasted” life. We met at the Indian restaurant for lunch sometime around that time; you were working on a grant somewhere in the city around Baltimore Street. Later I met you when you were working at the Science Center, where you taught me about fractals.

That spring, at dinner after a Friday night meeting, you encouraged a few of our OA associates and me to go to DC to the Art Museum. You met us a Fuddruckers in Annapolis, and there taught us about art – by matching postcards. I was so excited and impressed, that I went to work and told Mark about how interesting you made art to be. Mark had taken an art course when he was in Loyola and got though it, but wasn’t too thrilled with it. So I talked him and you into meeting together; you doing the postcard thing (I love that). And off we three went to DC to the Art Museum. He still says to this day that you were responsible for his knowledge and appreciation of art (and mine).

Later, we three went to the Walter’s Art Gallery to see a Monet exhibit, and Mark brought his niece, Jessica (I think once again, you did the post card thing for Jess). Before the gallery, we went to the Indian restaurant for dinner. Unbeknownst to you, Jess was graduating from high school, and had been toying with the idea of becoming a teacher. Mark and his family were trying to talk her out of it, but after meeting you, she made her decision to become one, and has carried that out. She told Mark, “you have lived your life, Uncle Mark, and now I have to live mine.”

Before you moved to S__, you had a fancy for bluegrass, and first I, and then Mark and I, went to hear you and some others “pick and grin.” Around that same time, I met you and a friend at a “center for handicapped” one day, and tried to play the piano along with you. Later you moved to S__, and around 2001, you came and spent the night with me on your way to a bluegrass concert of some kind. Since you moved to S__, Mark and I had to do an audit there, and we were able to meet you for dinner at a great Mexican restaurant and have a wonderful evening together with you then. In 2002, God had me go into real estate so I could sell your condo. He must have, because that was the only sale I made.

Ellen

When I was in the fifth grade, my family moved out of town and on to a road in the country. The road was called Plank Road because it used to be made of wood planks and it went up Glass Factory Mountain where there used to be a glass factory and later a graphite mine. My sister and I joined the 4-H and had the opportunity to learn the domestic skills that we weren't learning at home. We took courses called Sew a Fine Seam and Iron with Ease. We learned how to make baking powder buscuits from scratch so well that we didn't need to look at the recipe. I often sewed my own clothes (with a varying degree of success). We learned how to do a demonstration in front of strangers and we learned how to do home nursing without giggling.
My best friend was Patty, who still lives on Glass Factory Mountain. Her mother was our 4-H leader and our Sunday school teacher. A few years ago, I revisited the hamlet and stopped by the general store (pictured), which I learned was now owned by Patty. Surprisingly I learned that Patty's husband came from along the Potomac, where first lived when we came to Maryland. He knew my mechanic. But that wasn't the most remarkable Six Degree discovery.
I was looking on the internet for Patty's sister Ellen and learned that she lived exactly thirty miles away from me. Glass Factory Mountain is at least 400 miles from here, and lo and behold Ellen is just, once again, down the road.
I first got in touch with her by calling her number and listening to her answering machine. After almost forty years, her voice was completely familiar. Not only was it the voice of a familiar person, but it was the cadence of my home culture.

Lilacs

Poem: "Stealing Lilacs" by Alice N. Persons, from Never Say Never. © Moon Pie Press, 2004. Reprinted in today's Writer's Almanac by Garrison Keillor

Stealing Lilacs

A guaranteed miracle,
it happens for two weeks each May,
this bounty of riches
where McMansion, trailer,
the humblest driveway
burst with color—pale lavender,
purple, darker plum—
and glorious scent.
This morning a battered station wagon
drew up on my street
and a very fat woman got out
and starting tearing branches
from my neighbor's tall old lilac—
grabbing, snapping stems, heaving
armloads of purple sprays
into her beater.
A tangle of kids' arms and legs
writhed in the car.
I almost opened the screen door
to say something,
but couldn't begrudge her theft,
or the impulse
to steal such beauty.
Just this once,
there is enough for everyone.

Jo Ann

This morning as I drove to work, I thought about people that God has put in my life to let me know His love. These don't have to be people who directly talked about God. Many people just made me mindful of the good that is in our world. I spent a lot of time thinking of Jo Ann.

Jo Ann is a friend I haven't seen in several years. Thanks to the internet, it doesn't seem that long. Jo Ann and I would seem to be unlikely friends, but somehow years ago a few things we may have said and a few things we did together cemented the deal. She and another unlikely friend, a co-worker of hers named Mark, have taken a few excursions together. I can't remember exactly where we went (I'll ask Jo Ann to update me) but I remember that we talked non-stop on the trips and with great fun.

Since I've known her Jo Ann has always loved the Lord with a real and unashamed enthusiasm. She was always available when I would call her with questions on my own seeking Bible Study. She didn't get into theological nitpicking. If it wasn't in the Bible, it was none of her business. I often called about weird questions and she did her best with concordances and topical indexes handy, to help me out. I can remember asking her a hypothetical question about a situation I saw in a movie about the Rapture. She said "Cathy, it's a movie." She made me realize that the movie was an author's reality, and my question was about God's reality.

She gave me solid simple advice. When I was obsessed over a man in my life, she told me to look beyond him to Jesus. And she told me to talk to Jesus the way I would talk to a man in my life ... tell Him about my day, tell him my joys and sorrows, give him gifts and look for His gifts. When I told her about my paralyzing stage fright, she told me that God could take care of that. I do believe that my present day lack of stage fright was a gift of the Holy Spirit.

She didn't see me or other non-Christian friends as potential notches in her Bible. On the contrary, she shared her joy in the Lord with us as naturally as if He were a real person. She was just keeping us abreast on her relationship with the One she loved best.

So after thinking about her for twenty minutes on the way to work, I found an e-mail from her this morning. (I hadn't heard from her in several months.)
Her e-mail said "Thought I would share this today. Someone must need to hear it. My calendar for today reads:
'Lord, I pray You would help me set my life in right order. I want to always put You first above all else in my life. Teach me how to love You with all my heart, mind, and soul.'
Isn’t it great to know that if we ask Him, He will teach us to do that which our own carnal selves may not always want to do."

There's a lot more I could write, and I hope to in the future.
How I invited her to come to church with me on the day I decided to go forward. I wanted her to walk up with me.
Or how she took me to her church where the folks "got happy", and one sweet lady. who was trying to be comforting, petted my hair and chased me out of the church.

Happy news

I went to the doctor yesterday and had my hips x-rayed. What a surprise to find out that they were normal. "Normal" is the word the surgeon used! I was so happy to know I would not spend another summer in the hospital.
So I have bursitis. Yes it's very painful. But the good news made me feel better immediately.
I also can quit taking Darvocet. I got new pain medicines.
I had a pretty good day back at work today. I covered more than seven classes and there are only seven periods. LOL. I really was running around, so it was a good test of pain meds.

Recited at the local National Association of Multicultural Educators conference a few days after the shootings at Virginia Tech

A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Pain and doing

Not being in pain means that when you think of doing something, you
get up and do it.
When I had that luxury, I took it very much for granted. I didn't get
up to do as much as I think I'd like to now.

Here's what I want to get up and do today:
1. shower/dress
2. Water plants
3. Wash dishes and prepare meals for the coming week
4. Take out last bags of laundry
5. Put a lawn chair in my car (to use when I fold laundry)
6. Pick up cheezy bread at the Portuguese restaurant
7. Volunteer at the board of education's Professional Development
Center open house
8. Do laundry at the laundromat
9. Bring up briefcase from the car (has job applications)
10. Fill out job applications

I'll probably not do 2,3,4,8, 9,10,
I might do the laundry that Alicia (who offered to do some cleaning
Monday) already put in the car.
I'll probably get online and teach some English. This I can do lying
down.
I could also gather data for job applications - that is always a
tedious chore. Hooray for my CD cataloging program! Hmm, maybe
there's some cataloging to update.

I've had two epidurals that haven't seemed to work at all. (Most of
the previous ones worked well) Then I have a pain pill. I don't like
the side effects. It's not too good for the pain either, although it
makes me care less. I took one this morning.

Re: feelings

Oh yes. Feelings I'm finding to be difficult and related ideas:

"I don't have what I want. " I can learn to live "without" things. Extra clothes, extra luxuries, extra food ... things that give me status.

Balkiness. Comes from the idea : "i might get rejected, so why bother?" I've got a stack of school system applications to fill out. I also get ticked off because they are all different, so each one takes hours to fill out. New idea: I do have the time because I'm a week ahead on my coursework. This is just another form of coursework.

Two of the most powerful facets in the realm of thought are ideas and images. Ideas are ways of thinking about and interpreting things. They are so essential to how we approach life that we often do not understand when and how ideas are at work. Our idea system grows up with us from childhood out of the teachings, expectations, and behaviors of family and community. People are often so far in the grip of ideas that they can't be bothered to think. They don't know what moves them, but ideas govern them and have their consequences anyway.

Examples of ideas are freedom, education, happiness, "the American Dream," the feminine or masculine, and so on. To see ideas in action, look closely at artistic endeavors, especially movies and music, which encapsulate most of the pop culture, and at efforts to persuade, especially politics and commercials. Look, for example at the place freedom\, a major idea now, plays in automobile ads and rock lyrics.

One task of spiritual formation is to have our ideas transformed. By the Spirit, we replace in ourselves those idea systems of evil with the idea system that Jesus Christ embodied and taught. p. 68, Renovation of the Heart in Daily Practice by Dallas Willard and Jan Johnson